Sitting, pen in hand, with blank paper in front of me, I chastise my past self.
I shout at her for being lazy, for not writing more, so that I would need to write less.
But my past self was not ready to write: she didn’t know what I know now.
Her thoughts had not crystallised, she had not read what I had read.
I need to stop blaming past-me for what she did not do
And start thanking her for what she did.
“Thank You” flickr photo by Orin Zebest shared under a Creative Commons (BY) license
I write to understand
I write to create new worlds
I write to remember.
I write to relax
I write to grieve
I write to forget.
As anyone who lives in Glasgow will tell you, Glaschu means “dear green place” in Scottish Gaelic. And I feel very lucky to live in a vibrant city that has so many parks. Kelvingrove is the one I visit most, as it is so close to the Uni. Here’s the Uni tower, peeking through the trees in the park.
I walk there often, always with my camera. It never fails to soothe my mind as I wander up and down the familiar paths. Often I see a squirrel running freely, like this one:
Sometimes I look at the skyline instead. Glsagow gave this man the freedom of the city. Hmmm.
A few years ago I decided to make myself a blanket – something warm and cheery for the winter months. Also, unusually for me, I decided not to rush it. So, over the last 3 years I’ve been acquiring wool as memories. There’s wool from holidays on Mull, a visit to the Shetlands, a week on Orkney, a short break to the Cairngorms. There’s squares knitted in Shetland lace patterns, patterns made by the Uni knitter in residence years ago, there’s a Dalek, a Cyberman, K9 and a Tardis. Then, of course, there are two black cats. I have loved making it, and now it’s finished – and I can’t wait for the cold nights so I can spread it out on the bed.
I’ve let my doodling lapse recently – I’ve been busy working, and writing, and worrying. I miss it though – it’s good to switch off for a bit and relax. So I am thrilled that the CLMOOCers are joining up with a sister project, Write Out, for a month of doodles during October. Why not join us?
I’ve stalled. With just under five months till I submit my completed thesis I have run out of steam. I have no time to waste, and so I waste time. I know all of the advice – I have given it many times, but still I pause. My bookshelves are tidied, my yarn is sorted, my fridge is clean.
I still feel that I need to give myself permission to write. I’m framing my thesis as an auto-ethnography because that feels right – it feels authentic – but I still struggle to justify my approach. Maybe I worry that it is not rigorous enough – maybe my background in anglo-analytic philosophy has trained me to privilege an argumentative style over the explanatory … Maybe I need to channel my inner philosopher (note to self: do not channel your inner Deleuze).
Whatever, the time has come. I remind myself of one of my favourite quotes:
“Fool,” said my muse to me. “Look in thy heart and write.”
Wish me luck …
For the couple of months there’s been a T-Rex in Glasgow – one of the most complete skeletons in the world. Of course, we left it until the final day to visit.
Not so much a feldgang as an overview of our holiday. Some glorious skies and ancient artefacts. Callanais:
Dun Carloway Broch
Norse chess pieces
Terns feeding at Port Ness
Machairs
Views
A teddy for a not-yet-born
Ballachulish – on the way home
As I walked up the path to work today I looked to my right, and noticed some more flowers. Some are cultivated, the others are native. All are lovely.
